Did The Math, $3K Not Enough For Me

I've decided to go back to UT this Fall. I should have my 3k check for contraceptives by then. I'm going to use the "traditional rubber" method. But, even if I buy them by the gross, to get more "bang for my buck", it won't be enough. I'm going to College to engage in the active, vigorous and voluminous sex life I'm entitled to, and maybe even learn something if I have any free time. But I;m going to need a place to use my rubbers at, when I hook up. As far as I'm concerned, I'm entitled to a nice hotel room to take my girlfriend(s) to. So that means another check. It will be a win-win situation for me. I'll be able to finally exercise the sexual rights that I'm entitled to, and so richly deserve. And even if I die from a heart attack, it'll take the mortician three days to get the smile off my face. I intend to use each and every rubber I get, too.

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I think I know just the girl for you--she goes to Georgetown and appears to share the same educational goals. (NOTE: One piece of advice--don't mention "Rush Limbaugh" on the first "date.")

But you can get plenty of Viagra to use when you bang your new "girlfriends". Remember, if she has an adam's apple, she's actually a... never mind, I'll let you'll figure it out on your own.

There's a city full of walls you can post complaints at

I'm going to insist she go to the beauty shop first, and if I 'm having any trouble, I'll drink a couple beers. That always works for me.

I think that we need to be proactive in assisting these poor coeds who just can't afford the contraceptives that they need to assist them with their "medical conditions" (wink, wink).

Let's all contact our Congressional representatives and insist that they pass a bill called Federal Uterine Contraceptive Kit (WARNING: be careful when using the acronym).

This bill will provide not only limitless contraceptives for everyone, but funding for a lifetime membership to Match.com, coupons for 1-hour stays at Motel 6 (we'll call that the "G-Man Amendment"), a federally subsidized account at Victoria's Secret, and a monthly call from Obama thanking you for your "bravery" in speaking out about contraceptives.

I smell a new "stimulus" bill!

I'm going to try and talk to Bill Clinton. So far he hasn't commented on this situation. He might tell me to "feel her pain"

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