Repeat Quotes from George Carlin on religion (for fun, so chill charltan)

A Repeat - (for fun, so chill out charltan)
A few great quotes from George Carlin on religion & God (and a few from other sources below) -

1) In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you.
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

2) Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?

3) Here's another question I've been pondering- What is all this shit about Angels? Have you herd this? 3 out of 4 people belive in Angels. Are you FUCKING STUPID? Has everybody lost their mind? You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback for all the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and obsorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. 30 years of street drugs will get you some fucking Angels my friend! [George Carlin, from "You Are All Diseased".] What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody belive in Goblins? You never hear about this.. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well..

4) You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Ok. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that god was having trouble with. For years I asked god to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit. I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to god, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answer at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want. Half the time I don't. Same as god 50/50. Same as the four leaf clover, the horse shoe, the rabbit's foot, and the wishing well. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same; 50/50. So just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself.

ALSO - Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven. ~Mark Twain

Your rating: None Average: 4.7 (7 votes)

If an athiest posts christian jokes and then says it's "just for fun", isnt that kind of like a straight person posting gay humor and say he's just kidding? Or a bigot posting racial jokes 'that're all in jest'?

Were these "christian" jokes? I thought he was talking about religion in general

my question's still valid either way.

It's probably not nice, I'll grant you that. Unfortunately it happens all the time. People make fun of all kinds of beliefs. You've never made fun of someone's belief in ufo's, bigfoot, etc? I think that's a little different than making fun of someone based on the way they were born.

so if someone thinks people arent born gay, but that it's a decision they make, that makes it ok to poke fun at them because it's their belief?

Or should beliefs not be made fun of either?

I'm not sure I understand. You're saying that being gay, or being black or white is a choice?

did I say race is a choice? I am saying that some folks say being gay IS a choice.

That being the case - if you believe that being gay is a choice does that give you the green light to poke fun of it?

You asked about sexual orientation and race in your first post. I can only infer that you feel the same about both. As for "believing" sexual orientation is choice, I don't know--I'd have to defer to science on that one. If someone's genetic make up is different, then I would think choice is a less-likely factor.

that people who consider themselves to be 'tolerant' are often intolerant of other people's religious beliefs. I've met many of them. They don't think it's politically correct to attack or mock someone based upon their color, nationality or sex but it's still open season on people's faith.

Particularly the Christian faith. The world went into a tailspin b/c there was a comic printed of Mohammad. The 'tolerant' folks said, oh no - that's terrible. But they feel very comfortable with making fun of Christians.

If you're here to tell me it's my fault - you're right. I meant to do it. It was alot of fun. That's why I have this happy smile on my face.

I am so sick-n-tired of the political correctness it makes my head hurt.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

If Carlin wants to make fun of religion it's within his rights to do so. If Immus wants to call black women nappy headed be it. If Jesse Jackson wants to make fun of Jewish people...go for it! If Michael Richards wants to insult African American, If Chris Rock wants to insult Caucasians then...they can.

My point is, the constitution does not protect us from being insulted. No where does it say that we have the "right" to be sheltered from insults. If you do not like what the commentator says, don't listen to them.

I am not saying that their comments aren't offensive...they are. But, in the U.S.A. they have the right to say them without fear that you may loose your job because someone felt offended. A commentators spoken words will allow you to formulate an opinion about that person (good or bad) but, I would much rather determine a persons true motive then trying to figure it out from behind some goody-to-shoes politically correct B.S.

It all comes back to choice. You have the choice to change the channel, to view or not, to agree or not.______________________________________________________________________

- Just the KAT, thinking out loud again. :)

If man has no tea in him, he is incapable of understanding truth. ~Japanese Proverb

Immus had every right to say what he said...but he also has to live with the consequences too.

I agree with you, Kat. I also, however, have never seen a government document that guarantees anyone's right to be listened to. You can say whatever you want to say about my religion, skin color, choice of spouses, the color of my house, whatever. I, however, do not have to listen to you or take you seriously.

That's where people get it wrong, a lot of the time.

There is a tide in the affairs of men...

Agreed--people of course have the freedom to be intolerant of minorities. As long as everyone is able to share the same rights and privileges.

Do his Reverend Billy Saul Hargas, pastor of the First Church of Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship, skit?
He made fun of those that seek to profit from religion.

Oh, geez. These were George Carlin jokes for crying out loud! Carlin pokes fun at everything & everybody, and for the most part, his bits are funny, and often on target. He's a comedian who's not afraid to joke about how he sees the world & it's people - he makes jokes about himself, as well. There are many, many comics who do the same thing - some go back decades (or hundreds of years even, I have antique humor books that are shocking by today's standards) & people laugh, until the subject is something they are sensitive about. People have told ethinic jokes forever - doesn't make it politcally correct, but they always have, and still do - only usually the ethinic jokes I hear more of, are those told by black comics about other blacks. Then when a white comic makes a similar joke, the world is outraged. Carlin was poking fun at religion, and religious people in general - no specific religions. But perhaps billy shouldn't listen or read Carlin's humor because he may also poke fun at gays, and billy seems pretty sensitive about that (nobody here cares if anybody is gay I don't think). I think anybody over the age of 30 has grown up hearing this type of humor & they take it for what it is, humor - not attempts to put people down. Anybody here who has grown up so sheltered that this type of humor shocks them - then I don't know how you even survive in the world as it is today. This world is becoming so sanitized, so politically correct, it'd be laughable if it weren't so pathetic, Good grief. Everybody should lighten up a bit & stop taking every little thing as personal attacks.

My own faith was affirmed long ago after realizing that our Creator, 2,000 years ago in a land of swarthy, black-haired people, brought forth a Savior with ivory skin, thin lips, piercing blue eyes and long blond locks. Truly this was the Son of God.

Patience is a great virtue.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.